Dressing For Drinks

 There are few experiences in life as pleasurable as drinking good whiskey while wearing a well cut blazer. Sartorially speaking, drinkers have been engaged in a steady decline from the glory days of the Rat Pack. Several reasons exist for why you should head to the bar dressed in something better than a T-shirt and ratty jeans; the main one being attributed to a half-remembered quote saying “Dissolute behavior in a coat and tie is always more amply forgiven.”

First, it bears discussion just what constitutes good drinking attire. Obviously there are varying degrees of dress depending upon your situation. One wouldn't go to a dive bar in black tie just as one shouldn't darken the door of an upscale watering hole in shorts. Naturally the weather will have an impact as well; corduroy in the winter and seersucker in the summer.

The main point is to wear something that you feel comfortable in. My current rig is a blue blazer with a small check pattern, a purple shirt in a medium gingham print, light blue jeans and brown leather shoes. It never fails to get a complement when I go out, and it has the added benefit of making you feel better than everyone else in the bar. Few things emasculate someone more than telling them you aren't dressed up, simply dressed like a grown up. This must be done with a slightly cocked eyebrow as you sip your whiskey, embarrassing the Philistine holding a Bud Light right in front of the girl he's been talking to all night while she moves another barstool closer to you.

One of the more compelling reasons for dressing for drinks is pure economics. Most bars I've been to have Wild Turkey priced somewhere between $4 and $8. If you are reading this, chances are you don't leave without at least six drinks, so that adds up quickly. It's very easy to pay at the bar what you would pay for a bottle at home and leave without a good buzz. This is where your jacket proves indispensable. All jackets worth buying have at least two large inside pockets, which just so happen to hold a flask quite well. My flasks hold six ounces, which I have found to be a near perfect amount for carrying.

Although this is a sneaky, dishonest and underhanded method, so is charging $8 a pour. Depending on your bar, and your bartender, it shouldn't be an issue to have him top off your glass with ice halfway through your drink. Afterwards you can discreetly pull your flask out and freshen your drink up, and unless you are in an empty bar noone will be any the wiser. Unfortunately because you are stealing from the bar, and because your bartender may be complicit in this by not saying anything, you should tip at least double what you normally would. Personally I throw down a dollar per drink, (one reason why I only order doubles) so when I'm packing a flask I throw at least two dollars into the jar and sometimes more if I've been spotted.

This may come as a shock to you reader, but there are many people who go to the bar to get laid. I know you may be skeptical, but it is true. This is possibly your greatest reason to dress like you give a damn. While you can take somebody home wearing one of those godawful MMA/Affliction/Tattoo/Herpes Indicator T-shirts, they generally are not the type of people who really know what they're doing once you get them naked. However, that is not the specific reason you should put on a jacket on your way out the door. The reason is that it gives you confidence.

Once you have put together your drinking uniform, every time you put it on you get in the zone. You know that you look good, and you have the confidence that she really was giving you a double-take. This confidence translates to other areas besides trying to convince a member of the fairer sex to do dirty things with you. You shoot pool better. That awkward small talk with the guy sitting next to you, or even worse, the weirdness when you're early and it's just you and the bartender, it gets easier. For a little while you can pretend you're as cool as the Rat Pack. Your drinking uniform helps you to relax and have a great time at the bar instead of just a good one, even if you struck out.

I know that the Blue Ribbon Radio audience is not exactly the type of audience to heed this advice, and that is exactly why I gave it. I know that it takes a lot of adjustment to put on a blazer and collared shirt. I struggled through it for two years before it became truly comfortable. Just as with everything that you have to develop a taste for it takes effort, and it is well worth it in the end. If no other piece of advice sticks with you, just remember the original reason I gave for dressing for drinks: “Dissolute behavior in a coat and tie is always more amply forgiven.”

Written by Frank Nichols