Hello and welcome back to the Blue Ribbon Radio series, Awful Abroad! We kicked off our virtual tour of fortress Europa with a brief hit on Germany and a few nods toward what I see as the greatest brewing tradition in all the world. We certainly have far more to cover in Germany, but I wouldn't dare dedicate just a single article to all the awful that Germany has to offer.
Which brings me to the point that I feel I should have made in installment one. This is NOT a travel guide if you're looking for anything to do other than seek out the best ways to participate in as much deviant behaviour as possible. The subject of our second installment, the Netherlands, absolutely offers some of the most breathtaking scenery, richest culture, and tourist friendly societies in Europe. That shit, however, is not what I'm here to write about. No, my friends. We do not seek higher cultural enlightment and loads of new Facebook pictures to share with our families. Our trip into the heart of darkness is unabashedly aimed at one thing: being a terrible person.
If any city in western Europe exists that was purpose built for the non-fuck-giving adventurer, that city would be Amsterdam. Now, I know what you're thinking: POT BARS! Shut the fuck up hippy. You've never been to Amsterdam, and if you have, then you fucking did it wrong.
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| Doesn't know what a Hamster Dam is... |
Now that my ignorant-filthy-hippy bash has been photographically played out, we can move on to an actual discussion. Yes. Amsterdam is the home of the infamous "marijuana-cafes" that every person thinks of when they imagine a trip to Amsterdam, and it is here that we begin our discussion, short and disappointing though it may be. The bottom line is this: American tourists have simply caused too much trouble for too many years to make the pot-cafe a place one would actually want to visit. Sadly, the stereotype of the awful American tourist is absolutely true. Having found myself in dozens of international airports surrounded by Americans and their fat-assed obnoxious fucking families, it no longer bothers me when waiters, bartenders, and InterPol officers are predisposed to being dicks toward me.
There are various influencing factors, but when it comes down to it, too many people (Americans) who can't handle their shit have gone and caused trouble in the pot-cafes. They have all essentially begun a membership program similar to some nightclubs in America. If you're not a member, you can't get in, and at MOST of these joints, if you're not Dutch, you can't be a member. So, legal drug-tourism in a marijuana cafe is pretty much out for most of us. Unless you are well connected, the pot-cafe experience is getting harder and harder to find in Amsterdam. What does remain, however, are street drugs.
The legality of USING marijuana remains the same; unfortunately, acquiring it becomes legally ambiguous (or illegal for those who lack subtlety glands). Basically, if you can avoid getting busted by buying it from the growing number of street dealers, you're still legally allowed to own it... up to a certain amount. I don't know how much, and if you're thinking of trying this shit, I suggest you do your own reasearch beyond reading the ramblings of a drunken asshole like me.
Typical street drugs (ecstacy, coke, speed, shrooms) are also available in relatively good supply, though these are all outright illegal and getting busted with them will land your ass in a Dutch jail, though, admittedly, I'm sure I've stayed in hotels shittier than even the worst Dutch prison.
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| Locked Up Abroad: DisneyLand!!! |
The allure of getting outrageously fucked up on amphetamines and hallucinogens with friendly Europeans makes most of this well worth the risk of getting caught for a lot of people. Even the oft spat-on American military community finds it easy to make friends with locals in the Netherlands, so long as they're not pot-cafe owners. So, if you're outgoing and can afford the possibility of a few months locked up making wooden shoes, then you could really have one fuck of a time in Amsterdam.
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| Eten mijn voet!!! |
So, you've braved the wilds of Amsterdam's clog filled streets and scored yourself one sick ass eightball of high-grade Colombiana. What, oh what, will you do with all of that energy and the drug boner you are so conspicuously sporting? Why, you'll fuck until you just can't anymore... that's what you'll do!
Now, I'm going to say something outrageously racist right now, but experience has shone it to be inexplicably true. Unless you are of an ethnicity other than Hitler-inspiring caucasian, you will find it difficult to get laid in many European countries; especially if you're an American. The only theory I can offer is that everyone here is white, and bitches like variety. I've seen it play out hundreds of times in bars and clubs across Europe. You can have the best game in the world and be on your way out the door with your European beauty, but if just one relatively symmetrical black man walks in, you will not be taking her home. Seriously. Even if she doesn't leave with him, she's not going with you. So, what's a horny coke-fiend to do? Why, visit the greatest red-light district in existence, of course!
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| Where stop means go! |
Now, sex-tourism is a problem on a global scale. Girls and women are kidnapped from their homes and forced by human traffickers into sex-slavery all over the world. This is probably the most serious human rights violations in the post-WWII world, and you just don't know us if you think we're not going to make light of it. Here's the deal: In many European countries prostitution is a perfectly legal and governmentally regulated enterprise. Amsterdam has taken this concept and turned it into what I have just now dubbed "Pussyland." Seriously, people, this place is like Wal Mart. You can get it all there. Black, white, Asian, midget, tranny (for our good friend Blake over at IBWIP)... You name it, you can fuck it in Amsterdam's red light district. Now, sex-tourism is not without it risks, and it is highly recommended (seriously... google this shit... there are entire blogs dedicated to finding the best whorehouses in Amsterdam) that you do your research before you just take off lest you be ripped off by the evil conniving prostitutes. But, if you play your cards right and don't mind dropping a few hundred Euro to brutalize the naughty bits of a call-girl/boy/gender-nondescript, you can go ahead and work off a little of that drug energy the way God intended.
As for the ladies... seriously... if you haven't figured out now that nearly every man you know or meet is willing to have non-committed sex with you at any given moment by now, then your naivety is not something with which we can assist you.
Andrew continues to shorten his life expectancy daily in Bavaria in order to bring entertainment to the masses.
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